I never considered myself to be backslidden, ever. Sad, yes. Depressed, sure. Bitter, probably but, backslidden, never!
It was a hard truth to swallow and I didn't accept it at first. I sat with a friend and I was explaining how the last two years I had been struggling spiritually but couldn't quit figure out why.
Friends had left the church. There was division, confusion, hurt feelings, bitterness.
My daughter had just left home and so I was dealing with that too!
It began small, like sin usually does. First I stopped going to prayer meeting. Then, some Sunday nights, then most Sunday nights, then all Sunday nights...what!?
But that's ok because I was still going to Sunday school, and Sunday mornings and Wednesdays...oh, wait, I started missing Wednesday nights too.
I thought it happened all at once but no, it was subtle.
"How did I get here?", I found myself asking.
I've been warned about this often, so how could this have happened to me?! I allowed sadness and bitterness to take hold in my life.
After I heard that "word" and in talking to my friend I didn't know what to do. That night I just said to Jesus, "I can't do this anymore, I don't know what to do". And with that simple, short prayer, I fell asleep. The next day I felt heavy and tired. I was in a horrible mood. And satan knew it and started in on me. Reminding me of the guilt, the memories, the feelings of hopelessness.
Then my best friend asks me a loaded question, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, I don't want to talk about it", I snapped. He never leaves it at that. After much prodding and just annoying the heck out of me, it came out. All the ugly secrets, sadness, and bitterness. It was like witnessing a dam breaking but I was the dam, it was so weird and upsetting because I told him I didn't want to talk about it!!
I'm so glad God doesn't leave us alone. I'm so thankful for God's intervening hand, though I wasn't thankful at the time.
Two years of pent up anger and bitterness came flooding out. Two years of trying to deal with change. Two years of shameful behavior like avoiding church, and people and eating my feelings away. I did not like that this was happening. Actually I hated that this was coming out. It was hidden for so long, but it was eating me up inside. It was destroying me. And as I cried and cried I was starting to feel relieved, a little.
After bearing my soul and hearing good, sound, godly advice, and understanding I was going to church for all the wrong reasons, I went grocery shopping. It felt good to get it off my chest, but that's not restoration work. That's just, getting something off my chest, haha! The Lord has a purpose in everything He allows. He wasn't finished with me yet.
Sunday morning started out as an ordinary Sunday. Got up, got dressed, went to Sunday school, then went upstairs for the 11 o'clock service.
And then it happened. Oh it was hard! I was fighting it with all my might. It was like trying to fight off a grisly bear. It was CONVICTION. The message was about putting God first and loving Him supremely. I had an idol in my life. I had planted groves in my life and it was time for Jesus to rip them out! And boy did He.
My heart was broken. How could I have done that to my Lord. How could I have put Him on a shelf like a pretty knick knack to look at and admire from afar. He was not #1 in my life and it was time for that to change.
I went broken to the altar. The same altar I went to broken ten years ago when I saw my desperate need for a Savior. And once again He accepted me and loved me and forgave me. He was waiting for me all along. Ah, restoration!
That night was special. Not because of the special Missionary Sunday service, though that was great! But because for the first time in a long time, I was happy to be at church. Listening to God's word afresh, with seemingly new ears like when you first get saved and it seems like every sermon is just for you. What a merciful God we serve.
I know I have a long road ahead because I've done some damage but it's not beyond God's reach.
I'm so thankful...I'm so grateful.
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